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[awesmazings]

[Anyone who knows Jimmy at all might have noticed that he's been unusually absent from the Network lately. Ignoring new arrivals, and only talking to people sparingly- and it's always, always via text. In fact, Jimmy hasn't made a video post to the Network himself in several months, and it seems like that hasn't changed.

It's jarringly unusual behavior, but the sudden message that pops up on the Network this afternoon might be the most surprising thing of all, even moreso than the radio silence. No attempts at filtering, either.]

What do you think 'Hell' is?

Comments

[ardent]

[It takes him a moment to figure out where he should even begin with that; there are a few things he's learned over his time here (don't insist that couldn't possibly be the case, don't invalidate it with what you think the answer should be, just try to listen without drilling in the thought that you're right because you're always right about things) but they aren't much help in terms of finding what he should actually say. Because what do you...do...with that...]

Are you afraid that maybe you did something bad - something that would make you deserve to be there?

[awesmazings]

....yeah, actually.
thats exactly it.
like im not so worried about miseryville being Hell so much as my reason for ending up there in the first place
i can't remember
ive lived there for as long as i can remember
but i remember things that don't even exist in miseryville, like snow
nobody else even knew what snow was when i brought it up one day
so that means i had to have lived somewhere else before

[ardent]

And there's no chance that it could be a coincidence?

[awesmazings]

i really dont know, to tell you the truth
it could be maybe
but i dont think it is

[ardent]

...I don't know what your circumstances were, obviously, but even if it is Hell, it's possible that whatever happened isn't your fault.

[awesmazings]

...not my fault?
what do you mean?

[ardent]

Some of the best people I know have done terrible things under circumstances that weren't their fault - either because they were forced into it, or they acted because they were scared of something that might happen to them. I know a lot of good people who have done things that would send them to Hell under circumstances like that.

[...]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to Hell, too, if there is one.

[awesmazings]

[...oh.]

...
you don't seem like a bad person at all, Ishimaru
i cant imagine you ever going to Hell for anything
but i...i think i understand what youre saying
maybe its not
really what im thinking
i mean maybe i didnt even do anything
ill never know if i cant remember it, right?

[There's a pause between texts, then-]

i guess ive been getting kindof worked up over this cause i dont understand it really
and i dont know what to do about it

[ardent]

Thank you for saying such kind things, but I know what I've done and what I deserve for it - it's a bit difficult to explain, but back home I knew that choosing to do something would kill a guy I knew. I willingly did it anyway - partially because I believed it was the right thing to do, but mostly because I thought he deserved it.

The entire situation is more complicated than that, and there are a lot of other factors involved with why it came to that in the first place, but the fact is that I chose to do something and somebody died.

I'm not saying that you shouldn't think about it at all, because I know if I were to end up in Hell with no idea of what happened in my previous life, I'd be wondering what I did to end up there, too. But maybe it's for the best that you don't know. It doesn't make you any different, I don't think.

[awesmazings]

thats one of the things ive been worried about the most, i think

[Jimmy sends that before really getting together what else he was trying to say, so there's a bit of a lengthy pause before he continues. He takes that time to read over what he's said for a second time.

Killing someone with your own two hands and making a decision that results in someone else's death is just as bad as doing it personally. Nobody would argue, no matter what the circumstances surrounding the incident were. Like he said, the circumstances are complicated. Jimmy doesn't want to know, but he still can't help but assume that what happened was beyond his control.

Perhaps it's still that innate desire to see the best in everyone. Maybe. ...but that's exactly what he wanted to bring up next, isn't it?]

say i was a different kind of person, before. somebody who was...still me, but i guess lived a really different life than the one im living right now
then i wake up in miseryville with no memories of anything else, or at least not much
what does that mean? does that mean whoever i am now isnt really who im supposed to be?
like its some sort of
i dunno
its just fake maybe

[He's not sure if he really means that. He probably doesn't, but he can't think of a better way to word it.]

[ardent]

[Hmmm.]

Have you ever heard of the concept of "tabula rasa"? It's okay if you haven't.

[awesmazings]

[...gesundheit.]

no, i havent

[ardent]

"Tabula rasa" is a philosophical theory regarding humanity's natural state of being. It poses that we are neither inherently good nor inherently evil when we're born; at our core, we're a blank slate, and how we choose to act from there is dependent on a number of factors, like memories and experiences that we gain as we grow older.

If you take all of those memories and experiences away, then you'll logically have a person's natural state of being - what they are then is what they would naturally just...be, if that makes any sense.

If you don't remember anything before Miseryville, then you would be in a state of tabula rasa now, I think. What you are now isn't fake, but rather it's the opposite - it's what you're meant to be.

[awesmazings]

[...]

so youre saying
no matter what kind of person i might have been before
and if everything ive been told is true
meaning that ive...died
and ended up in Hell- Miseryville- because of it
the kind of person I am now

that's who i am
i could've just as easily been in Miseryville and just
was the worst person in the world, yeah?
but im not
i mean i know im not perfect or anything
but im not terrible either
at least not as terrible as some things ive seen i guess

[ardent]

Yes. I don't think you're a terrible person, either, and I think that's how things are supposed to be. If you really don't remember anything, then you don't have your past to shape you - you just have what you are now, and logically speaking that's what you actually are underneath everything else.

I don't know if you've died or what you did, if you did anything at all. But I don't think who you are now is fake, either. And for what it's worth, I like who you are.

[awesmazings]

thank you. that means a lot
i really appreciate it
maybe the fact that im so worried about it at all means i could never have been all that bad
and i dont think who i am now is probably going to be changing much any time soon

[ardent]

I'm glad to hear that!

And I'm glad this is helping you, too. I'm not always the best at it, but you can always send me a message or something if you want to talk.

[awesmazings]

i knew i wanted to talk about it for a little while
actually no, a while
like a couple months
but i didnt start thinking about it again until a few weeks ago, and right now im actually talking about it
im still not really sure what to think exactly but its not as bad as it was before, i dont think
whether or not youre the best at it, its nice to know somebodys listening
i just have to try to not talk too much, haha